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What’s the Diehl With… All of This Tumbleweed, Again!

What’s the Diehl With… All of This Tumbleweed, Again!

The tumbleweed pandemic has come and gone, but is the human race still in danger? Photo by Cameron Flatt.

   A few months have passed since the tumbleweed invasion spread through our hallways.

   If you are reading this, then you are one of the lucky few who has survived the onslaught of the tumbling menace. But I fear the worst is yet to come.

   This development is late—my absence shall be explained momentarily—but it is essential to understand what has become of the world since their first visitations.

   Homes in Texas and Arizona were buried beneath mounds of the foul rotten rollers in the fall of 2013. The owners were not surprisingly unharmed by the tumbleweed battalions, but an attack is still an attack which must be taken with the utmost seriousness.

   I fear that these attacks may have been my fault entirely. According to my own analysis of the situation, the tumbleweed intercepted my first incriminating publication through the publicity of the kHQ website and realized that their jig was most indubitably up. They then came out of hiding and attacked the families’ homes. The terror of almost being entirely enveloped by the terrible tumbleweed is a fear that no man, woman, or child should feel. I apologize for that very grief I had caused those many moons ago.

   I went into hiding like the coward I am. My own home was my sanctuary during those dark times but still felt so insecure to the raw power the tumbleweed possess. In a sudden twist, I decided that the time was nigh and emerged from my sanctum.

   The world I had once known seemed normal; a little too normal. I am continuously on my guard knowing full well that tumbleweed spies are out there hunting me. I have tried to carry on with my life as it used to be, but one plant changed all of that.

   While attempting to go about my business, I found and captured one of the tumbleweed troops. He put up a fight, but I did manage to stow him away in my journalism desk. He hasn’t talked at all since I first captured him, but his silence will end with his people’s immediate annihilation.

   I was utterly disgusted at what the wretched, decayed bodied plants had done to our once proud race of man. They had used some form of mind control through black magic or drugging on numerous humans who have erected monuments out of the tumbleweed to display the dominant power they have over mankind. Cleverly, they disguised the monuments as “cute” snowmen, but I can see through their mirage. The thistles and twigs of their decrepit bodies can be seen as plainly as the skin on our hands.

   Worst of all, the dead, rolling plants recently managed to gain control of the weather. The past two months have been rife with snow and ice which has resulted in no fewer than seven snow days. Now, having no school is fun and all, but I know the true cause and purpose of those blisteringly chilled days. The tumbleweed used whatever dark power they have to cause the snowfall in order to create more troops for their continuously growing army.

   Tumbleweeds are dead plants. Extremely low temperatures tend to kill plants on a genocidal level. The tumbleweed’s plan was simply to kill off plants with the polar vortex they opened and allow the dead to become a part of their forever growing, tumbling army.

   If you see the tumbleweed anywhere-at school, on the bus, at home, walking the dog-you must fight or flee. Find any means to destroy the menace or simply run away. It is a simple choice with no in-between.

   The key is survival in these dark times, and we can do it. The tumbleweed are the pestilence, but we are the resistance.

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